Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
