Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
