I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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