Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
