you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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