What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
