I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
