If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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