i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
