I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
