im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
