got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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