I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Randomize
