I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
