I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
