i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
