if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
