Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
