My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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