Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
