I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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