i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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