I don't usually arrange sex via text message
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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