I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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