just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
