a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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