This is the prime rib incident all over again
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
