I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If I die, sorry about rent.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
