At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
