i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
