Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
