Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
