u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
