Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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