just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It's never too late to be topless.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
