how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
