nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
