Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
