My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
