Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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