It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
