your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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