you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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