This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
