I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
do nipples grow back?
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