She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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