Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
