Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
