oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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