Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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