You just made me feel so damn special
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
